i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
