you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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