My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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