guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Less talking, more tequila
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
