So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
