it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
