I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
