You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
