when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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