I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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