saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
