I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
