His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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