I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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