I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
