Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
