i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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