You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
