"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
There's always time for handjobs
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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