The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
