my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
