I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I pour the whiskey from now on
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
