I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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