I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
