If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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