theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
