I faked an abortion last night.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
