oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
