Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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