I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
