Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
