cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
