Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
