It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
