I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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