Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
