Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
