So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
