even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
dude. I can hear the air.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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