I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
