i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
