Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
