Someone shit on the floor
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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