who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
