i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
