wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Randomize
