I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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