i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
