I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
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