omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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